


Avoidance

by Abandonment



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (attempted) sexting, (mentions of) Alpha Dersecest, Flirting, M/M, References to Underage Sex, Relationship Issues, Sexual References, a copious amount of innuendos, less sad this time I promise, pesterlog fic, solving relationship issues, with the help of a snarky broad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 15:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15221966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abandonment/pseuds/Abandonment
Summary: TG: you are going to be my fucking downfall kidTG: no wait youre going to be my redbull sponsored freefall from space into the fiery depths of hellTT: Then it will be an outright honor to be personally escorted by you to the gates.





	Avoidance

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t actually know what this is. I sat down to jokingly write Dirk hitting on Dave and then shit turned dramatic. Characterization practice I guess. Really just an excuse to post more Alpha Stridercest pesterlogs.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Come back to bed.

TG: wow thanks for asking im totally great this morning how are you

TT: Come back to bed. Please.

TG: excuse you i am in the middle of something very important

TT: I can hear the sound of you eating Cap'n Crunch from here, Dave. You do realize that stuff is Betty Crocker owned right?

TG: what

TG: fuck are you serious

TT: You'll find upon closer inspection that anything General Mills is simply a batterwitch project in disguise. Though I suppose your distaste for her is halted when it comes to tooth-rotting, sugary, breakfast foods.

TG: fuck you crunch berries are the shit

TT: While I would love to carry on a conversation about the exact shit rating of your breakfast cereals, which, may I add, are geared towards seven year olds, can I ask why exactly you're eating them so early in the morning?

TG: work today

TG: overseas executives

TG: meeting ive got to prepare for

TT: Oh.

TG: that sounds like the oh of someone who knows hes missing out on morning cuddles

TT: No, that is simply the "oh" of someone who is mildly irked at their older brother's blatant avoidance of them.

TG: im not avoiding you i just have a lot of work

TG: someones paying for this place you know

TT: Not to point out the obvious, but from analyzing a current mental graph I just pulled out of my ass I have come to the conclusion that every sudden increase of your workload over the past six months has directly correlated with the day(s) after we've slept together.

TT: Of course, this could simply be a coincidence. Please don't mind me.

TT: Now, what were you saying about an early morning meeting?

TG: lets take a moment to steer this steamboat away from passive aggressive bay and more towards me getting ready for work and you being an understanding brother about it

TT: Excuse me for calling you on your shit, bro.

TT: Now would you please get over your brother complex and come lay down with me.

TG: ive got to get dressed

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: So, Dave. What are you wearing?

TG: no

TT: Is that an implied slang for “nothing” or am I taking all this street talk popular with the so-called cool kids too figuratively.

TG: oh my god it means im not doing this with you

TG: it is seven in the morning dirk

TG: seven in the goddamn morning

TT: Well, I’m never one to diminish the possibility of obtaining a head start.

TG: i am in the middle of morning traffic i am not sexting with you

TG: in fact im thinking of calling up my agent right now to endorse a campaign against this

TG: dont sext and drive kids

TG: shits illegal yo

TG: but wait no fuck that im pretty sure sexting with my younger brother is illegal regardless of if im driving or not

TT: When you’re quite done with you campaign against incestuous ploys in moving vehicles, I’d like to get back to what you’re wearing.

TG: my best work t shirt and slacks as i hunch over the steering wheel of my completely ironic vw bug and honk at the asshole in front of me

TG: there happy now get your ass back in bed because you are the only person i know that consistently sleeps until noon every day only to wake up early to sexually harass his brother

TT: Yes sir.

TG: shit that wasnt a fucking order this isnt a sext i just want to go to work in peace goddammit

TT: We may have a slight fuckin’ problem with that, bro. It appears I’ve already misplaced my pants.

TG: no way fuck you fuck this fuck my entire situation

TT: That’s the plan.

TG: i cant believe im having this conversation before ive even gotten five miles away from the apartment

TG: you are going to be my fucking downfall kid

TG: no wait youre going to be my red bull sponsored freefall from space into the fiery depths of hell

TT: Then it will be an outright honor to be personally escorted by you to the gates.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has disconnected! --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Hello, Dave.

TG: what a surprise

TG: i was expecting twenty minutes at most

TG: but nope looks like you waited a full fucking hour before setting back out on your daily dave harassment schedule

TG: do you literally have a dave harassment schedule dirk

TG: knowing you its probably color coded with little anime stickers for every conversation that manages to get under my skin

TT: It’s actually highlighted in various hues of orange, but I sure as hell wouldn’t waste precious stickers on such a trivial task considering 98.769% of our conversations end up with me getting under your skin anyway.

TG: we need to get you a hobby or some shit you really really need something to do

TT: I could do you.

TT: …

TT: Wow, would you look at that. You didn’t disconnect. Motherfuckin' miracle.

TT: This is going down on the Dave Harassment Schedule in the “improvement” column.

TG: you are so fucking obnoxious

TG: i have a meeting

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: You done with your bullshitting yet.

TT: Whoops, I meant meeting.

TG: haha dont even diss

TG: just remember my job is what fuels that body pillow collection that you keep hidden in your closet and think i dont know about

TT: Hm.

TG: haha do you really expect to hide giant stuffed pillows with half naked cartoons from me

TG: i was born to find shit like that bro

TT: Regardless of my secrets, I know how much you hate post-production.

TT: Too many meetings, too little ironic creativity. Correct?

TT: You could come home and take a break.

TG: okay yeah it sucks balls but i cant exactly take off to sex up my little bro

TT: I’d like to debate that.

TG: please dont

TG: point is sometimes ive gotta hold some babies and kiss some asses and thats just how shit works bro

TT: And yet my own ass remains entirely devoid of Dave Strider’s mouth. Rather hypocritical don’t you think?

TG: can you please stop spinning the conversation around to sexual stuff

TG: how the fuck do you even do that

TT: Shenanigans.

TG: aka freaky ass manipulation

TG: shit i should have never let rose babysit you when you were little

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Are you coming home for lunch?

TG: oh shit is it one already

TT: It’s actually 1:35, but yes.

TG: fuck im losing my touch

TG: you should have seen me when i was younger i could probably give you the time to the current millisecond

TG: kids would be all like yo dave whats up you got the time hell yeah homie i got the time

TG: it was another one of my favorite worthless talents right after skateboard kickflipping

TT: Do you want me to make you a damn grilled cheese or not.

TG: sweet jesus that sounds fuckin delicious

TT: Thought so.

TG: i would like to personally thank the boyfriend gods up on high for this amazing piece of ass im currently texting and all associated grilled cheese making talents therein

TT: Boyfriend gods? I was unaware you’d finally swallowed down your completely unnecessary guilt and admitted you want me enough to step across the boyfriend title line.

TT: I admit that your compliment’s sweet though.

TT: Hey are you there.

TT: Dave?

TT: Come on, were you in such a rush for lunch served up by a devilishly handsome chef in a possible state of undress that you left your phone?

TT: Always so fuckin’ spacey, bro.

TT: See you soon, I guess.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: It appears you’ve had something come up.

TT: Leftovers are saved for when you get around to coming back to the apartment.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: As much as I really could give less than a fuck, is everything alright?

TT: Finding out my only guardian has been kidnapped and/or murdered would certainly put a damper on my evening, believe it or not.

TG: fuck im sorry

TG: im fine

TG: editing department had an issue

TG: apparently the absolute shittiness of my film quality caused their entire system to crash heh

TG: dirk you there

TT: Yes.

TG: oh good

TT: Your grilled cheese is in the fridge when you get home.

TT: Right next to Lil Cal.

TG: you motherfucker

TT: ◥▶◀◤

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Should I expect to be stood up for dinner as well, because I don’t think my inner hysterical housewife can handle it.

TT: I know you can’t see me right now, but my hand is fluttering loosely above my face as I attempt to hold back tears.

TT: I thought what we had was special.

TG: id probably be a little more convinced of your emotional unstableness if everything that you type didnt mentally translate to a boring ass robot voice

TT: My poor mechanical heart just sparked a little. You’re a monster, Dave.

TG: i may be a monster but not because of shit like that

TT: And here we see the startlingly self-depreciating Dave Strider in his natural frequently guilty habitat.

TG: hey there you cant expect me to take this whole relationship lightly dude

TT: When will he learn to be fucked by his younger brother without the heavy load of parental-baggage?

TT: We just don’t know.

TT: I do know that this particular baggage is fuckin’ exhausting to carry and that he should just hire a metaphorical bellboy to dump it off on so that I may be swept off my feet and dumped on the bed of a five star penthouse suite with no distractions.

TG: only the paparazzi pull of an amazing stunt that includes no less than two construction cranes several assorted repelling harnesses and one elephant to obtain a single picture of us as a couple so that my career gets shat on you get taken away from me and i probably get put in jail

TG: great plan kid

TT: You never struck me as a pessimist, and don’t even try to pass yourself off as a realist.

TT: Live in the moment, Dave. I thought you were one of the sole advocates left of the popular culture phrase “yolo.”

TG: i cant deal with this right now i have to go

TT: Where are you going?

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose

TG: rose please answer

TG: rose hes doing the thing

TT: Thing?

TG: yes the thing

TG: THE thing

TT: I’m going to take the initiative from your incredibly helpful description and determine that by “he” you mean Dirk and by “the thing” you mean hitting on you with all the grace of a seventeen year old boy.

TG: fucking incredible you got it

TT: I do take a considerable amount of pride in my deduction skills.

TG: yeah yeah youre rad and whatever but i need help

TT: In all honesty, I don’t particularly see the problem, Dave.

TG: im dating dirk i think in the eyes of most that could be considered a problem

TT: You’re in a consensual relationship aren’t you? If anything it’s baffling to think that he still feels the need to pine after you. Everyone and their mother can see Dirk’s got you wrapped unbelievably tightly around his finger.

TG: because hes my bro rose

TG: my kid

TG: wrapped around his frequently used middle finger or not you have to understand that thats weird as fuck for me

TT: You didn’t appear to have any qualms around incest when we were dating.

TG: oh my god do not pull that fucking card on me

TT: My cards remain amazingly well organized and currently placed in my hands.

TG: alright alright i get it i cant embark on a nice healthy relationship without crashing into the giant incest barrier is that what youre implying here

TG: but maybe no one can really understand me besides my family did you ever think about that huh

TG: and if theyre cool with it i guess its cool

TG: right

TG: but it still feels wrong with him

TG: and yeah i like him in fact i fucking love him

TG: but i wish he would have never liked me you know

TG: because then i would have at least known i raised a kid with some sort of moral compass

TG: which i now realize i spectacularly failed at

TG: i cant even walk through my own damn front door without fearing im gonna get my dick jumped

TG: thats not healthy

TG: but at the same time i really do love the little shit so much you have no idea

TG: but the guilt is eating me alive like a cannibalistic all you can eat buffet on half off day

TG: fuck i dont know

TG: maybe im just looking too far into your psychoanalytical bullshit lalonde

TT: I haven’t said anything.

TG: oh fuck how do you two do that

TT: Do what, exactly?

TG: get answers from me goddammit

TG: cant open up a pesterlog with you or dirk without spilling half my life story

TT: I will reiterate the fact that I haven’t done anything.

TT: All life story spilling on your part is simply a side effect of your obvious trust in Dirk and I.

TG: trust

TG: you two

TG: trust

TT: Yes. It’s clear that you’re perceptibly more relaxed around us than anyone. And while I realize this, maybe Dirk doesn’t?

TG: what do you mean

TT: Well it appears you tend to avoid him on a daily basis.

TG: hourly

TT: Hourly. It is entirely possible that he fears you’re dissatisfied with the relationship.

TG: no fucking way he knows i just feel guilty

TG: and he definitely knows i love him

TT: Does he, Dave?

TT: He has obtained quite the reputation for manipulation when it comes to his relationships. I wonder if he worries he’s forced you into this.

TT: Your constant rejections have hardly helped either. In fact I can infer it’s led to Dirk almost obsessively clinging to you, sexually or otherwise, only deepening the cycle of your dismissals of him.

TG: fuck

TG: fuck youre right

TT: Fuck, it seems I am.

TG: shit shit shit

TG: i must go

TT: Enjoy wooing your younger brother, Dave.

TT: I am going to go reminisce over a bottle of wine about the fact that I just gave relationship advice to two brothers, one of which is underage.

TG: cmon rose this is no time to grow a fucking conscience

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

TG: i love you

TT: What?

TG: fuck i sound like a total sap

TG: youre really cool

TG: and shit

TG: just thought id remind you

TG: illicit relationship or not

TG: i really really like you

TG: okay wow ive gotta go

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] disconnected! --

TT: You complete and total loser.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: You’re sweet.

TT: If I didn’t know better I’d be wondering why all those actresses ever in their right fuckin’ mind thought to break up with you.

TG: i cant tell if that was a compliment or you telling me im a pain in the ass

TT: Take it as you will.

TG: whatever

TG: shit

TG: hang on a sec

TT: I’ve been hanging out all day I don’t see why I can’t wait a little more.

TG: fuck im sorry

TG: hey listen

TT: You have to go again?

TG: kind of

TG: gotta chat with publicity peeps

TG: and not the marshmallowy goodness kind

TT: Have fun with your non-edible businessmen.

TG: will do

TG: oh and dirk

TT: Hm?

TG: love you

TT: Should I be concerned over your recent blatant portrayal of affection towards me?

TT: Because it’s starting to verge on fucking weird, bro.

TG: nah dont think too much about it

TG: got to go

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: When are you coming home.

TT: I’m lonely.

TG: its not even five yet dirk jesus christ

TT: My statement has yet to be nulled.

TG: my entire existence doesnt revolve around keeping you entertained

TG: if youre bored go play with your robots or something im sorry but im busy

TT: You misunderstand. I am not bored. I am lonely.

TT: Boredom implies disinterest.

TT: Loneliness implies desire.

TG: oh

TG: wait shit im fucking this up again arent i

TG: i miss you too okay

TT: Really.

TG: yes of course fucking really

TT: I just hacked into your personal docket and it seems you’re taking a business trip tomorrow.

TT: That will last ‘till next Tuesday.

TG: hey look im sorry ive been busy and im sorry if ive been avoiding you

TG: subconsciously or not

TG: its totally uncool and a dick move but i dont know what to do when you come onto me

TG: so i just run

TT: You don’t have to. You like me, don't you?

TG: of course but like

TG: im so desperately afraid of fucking something up

TG: or more importantly fucking you up

TG: and dont you dare make some sly comment about me being the one who gets fucked up smirk smirk winky face

TG: because tossing around sexual innuendos isnt improving our relationship

TG: because i like a lot of things about you dirk and i could care less about the sex

TG: so you shouldnt grasp onto that like its the only thing keeping this relationship together

TG: because i know i dont show it and even when i do i sound fucking ridiculous

TG: but i love you

TG: so you can stop trying to seduce me or whatever the fuck

TT: I’m not seducing you. Don’t treat me like I’m some fucking temptation.

TG: then what are you doing huh

TG: last time i checked i was sent seventeen different sext starters over the course of my day

TT: I don’t know, maybe I was making sure you weren’t going to start ignoring me again like you always fucking do?

TT: You refuting me is better than you dropping off the face of the goddamn earth.

TG: i dont ignore you

TT: You do, and you know why? Because everyone fucking does.

TT: The minute I start trusting anyone they go out of their way to completely act like I don’t exist.

TT: I’m a bother. But for some reason you can’t put me out of my fucking misery.

TG: are you just going to ignore the part of this where i told you i loved you

TG: because i do and im not gonna fight over something like this

TT: The first time we had sex you left me for two weeks, Dave. Two fucking weeks.

TG: you act like i have any idea what im fucking doing dirk

TG: i thought it was the general consensus of this household that i am the shittiest guardian in the history of paradox space

TG: im scared dirk

TG: im still so goddamn scared you dont even know

TG: but i try okay

TG: im gonna try

TG: alright

TG: dirk

TG: you there

TG: im sorry

TG: bro

TG: i guess ill see you later

TG: sorry

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Considering it’s past midnight and the front door just opened, can I expect that it’s your prissy face or should I activate my smuppet-based intruder alert system.

TG: hold your fire its just me

TT: Whoops. Too late.

TG: you little asshfirbjsb

TT: Is my seduction technique working, Dave?

TT: Can I go as far as to ask if you have received a boner? That was the plan.

TT: Please don’t hold back any details. I must have this report of my current temptress status sent off to the devil by Friday. You know how the big man downstairs can be.

TG: okay i thought i fucking told you that you arent some forbidden fruit for me or whatever so you can cut the underhanded sarcasm shit

TG: youre my brother

TG: who i happen to love and occasionally fuck

TG: but youre my lil bro first and foremost

TG: so please stop being mad i really never meant for any of this

TG: i would never hurt you on purpose

TG: whoa shit hold on

TG: theres something moving underneath this unnecessary amount of foam ass

TG: shit these things arent robotic are they

TG: okay false alarm it was just cal and cals the shit

TG: though seriously can you get the dog whistle on him because he moves about a foot closer to me every time i blink and im pretty sure

TG: fuck

TG: shit shit oh my god

TG: dirk get your goddamn puppet under control

TG: dirk i swear to god

TG: dirk i can hear you laughing from your room cut this shit out right the damn motherfucking fuck now

TG: dirk

TG: bro

TG: DIRK

TT: Hm. You still scream like a five year old girl. Interesting.

TG: i am currently giving your text a look of very stern goddamn brotherly disapproval

TT: Feel free to take such disapproval out on me physically.

TG: no i will not

TG: you know what im gonna do

TG: im gonna sweep you off your unnecessarily sarcastic feet and plant you down in that five star hotel room just like you said you wanted

TG: and im going to tell you how fucking nauseatingly perfect you are until you dont feel the need to taunt me into fucking you

TG: and then im going to kiss every fucking inch of you until you apologize for every time youve gotten me hot and bothered in the middle of a meeting

TG: every fucking time because you do that to me

TG: and i am officially the saddest excuse for an older brother ever but i love you

TG: i really love you dirk

TT: I,

TT: Well then. I guess, I

TT: I love you too.

TT: You actually have no fuckin’ idea how much I love you.

TT: And I’m sorry. This is my fault.

TG: no its not

TG: you have every reason to believe that im a coward

TG: but i promise that no matter what happens i will not leave you

TT: Not even for a night with Channing Tatum?

TG: not even for a night with the entire cast of magic mike

TT: Hm, pity. Can’t say I feel the same.

TG: you little shit

TT: Heh.

TT: You coming to bed.

TG: yeah just let me change out of my work clothes

TT: I can help with that if you want.

TT: "smirk smirk winky face"

TG: goddammit kid

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: I’m assuming you’re still awake. Did everything go alright?

TG: Hello, Ms. Lalonde.

TT: Oh, Dirk. Is Dave there?

TG: I regret to inform you that the elder Strider is currently passed the fuck out right now.

TG: He just got laid. I’m sure you understand.

TT: Hm. I suppose I should congratulate you, shouldn’t I?

TG: Sure. If you feel so inclined.

TT: Well then, congrats on managing to maintain a stable relationship with Dave. Very few have managed to traverse the waters you have just conquered.

TG: Why thank you. It’s good to know I have the family blessing to pursue him.

TT: I’d hardly call it a blessing. Take care of him though, Dirk.

TG: Of course.

TT: Wonderful. For now I’d like to attempt to drown out the mental image of him fucking you as I reflect over my life choices and the relationship I’ve recently chosen to condone.

TG: Just so we’re clear here towards you and all associated mental images, I fucked him. I’m pretty sure that if Dave tried topping he’d start crying.

TT: I can actually validate that hypothesis as a true fact.

TG: Are you fucking serious.

TG: Pics or it didn’t happen.

TT: I’ll tell you about it another time. It’s getting late.

TT: Goodnight, Dirk. Don’t forget to look after Dave for me.

TG: Goodnight, Rose. Will do.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: oh my god dirk this is why i dont let you touch my phone

TG: rose you fucking vixen

TG: you two are going to be the goddamn death of me

TG: shit

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --


End file.
